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  • Writer's pictureDr. Stephens-Sarlós Erzsébet

What did I do wrong?


Stressed parents with their children

I promised that, according to my own experience and knowledge, I would try to answer the questions that reach me either in writing or orally.


I encounter many different problems and questions. If I single out one of them, not ONE of them manifests itself in the same way in the children. It depends on the age, other problems, the child's personality, the child's experiences, the composition of the family (siblings, grandparents), the behavior of the parents, and I could go on and on. And of course, parenting issues are different, depending on what worries mom or dad the most.


I can say that the parents of almost every second child who comes to me ask me:


WHAT DID WE DO BADLY? or DID WE DO SOMETHING WRONG? or WHERE DID IT GO WRONG?


I don't know the family’s history. I know that there is no such thing as someone being perfect, that not every family member works and reacts according to some perfect model. Anyway, who defined that perfect model and what is it?


I know one thing for sure. Those moms and dads who carry their children from therapy to therapy, from doctor to doctor to get solutions and help for their problems, who develop and exercise their children, who desperately ask what, when and how they went wrong, I can answer them: KEEP CALM! They are the child's best possible mother and father. (Or his grandmother or grandfather, because I often meet worried grandparents as well.) They are not the ones to blame, they are the ones who noticed a warning sign, who guessed, who felt that something was wrong.

stressed parents with their baby

The fact that a parent notices when something is wrong with their child means that they pay ATTENTION TO IT, because it is important to them. The parent sees and hears tiny things that don't necessarily mean anything to an outsider. The child crawls asymmetrically, uses one hand significantly more than the other, cannot immerse himself in a game, stumbles and falls (when children of a similar age have been walking steadily for a long time), has started to say words but suddenly stops speaking, pronounces sounds strangely, runs awkwardly, chews with his mouth open, even though he is already 8 years old, has no friends, is hysterical and the warning signs could be listed endlessly.


In addition to parental attention, there is another very important thing that works for moms and dads. This is an important component of parental love, which is nothing more than parental intuition. This often drives the mother or father to get to the bottom of their child's problem. A parent who "works" with this driving force can hardly be said to have messed anything up. Anyone who feels their child's worries and strangeness is somewhere on the same wavelength as their child, absorbing his or her vibrations.


It is also important to mention the "wavelength" issue, because the children also feel what is happening to us and within us parents. Moreover, not only the parents' vibrations are absorbed by the child, but also those of teachers and educators.


It is no coincidence that we often experience in kindergarten and school that the group is like the teacher. The behavior of children is quite different with a calm, balanced, loving, attentive, consistent kindergarten or school teacher, than with a nervous, hasty, aggressive person. This is extremely true for the parent-child relationship. Even a very small child can sense when his mother or father is nervous, tense, worried or anxious. Children who are not yet able to speak also respond to their parents' feelings. I know that sometimes it is very difficult to control your feelings and emotions, but you have to try.


It is natural for a parent to be tense, impatient, nervous or worried about their child at times. 24-hour care is exhausting. That's when anyone can feel that something is wrong. Because you don't have a "perfect" relationship with your child. But that's not what it's about. The parent is also human, with the biological needs and parameters that are characteristic of all humans. For example, rest and tranquility are also important for him. In these difficult hours and days, it is worth thinking that the child feels in his little soul what is happening in mom and dad. Even if she can't articulate it, worry, helplessness, and despair become a part of her. If one can keep this in mind, it will be easier to handle the situation; the emotions, despair, and doubt that attacks us as parents and grandparents. And the question will not dwell on the past, "WHAT DID WE DO WRONG?", but look to the present:


WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU, TO MAKE IT EASIER FOR US?


You can read much more about this topic in my book The Stephens-Sarlós Program, now available in English, and use my video exercise packages designed to test for and inhibit primitive reflexes.



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